Navigating Life Post Stroke
Big Girl Pants Pulled Up
I started writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened and for Stewart, in time, to be able to look back on what has happened and to try to understand and piece together everything, whilst also, hopefully, helping others.
For Stewart he went to sleep and woke up 4 days later with no memory of what had happened. For him, nothing at home had changed, for us, everything had. Our go to person, the one with all the driving force, passion and bloody mindedness no longer has the mental capacity to run 4 businesses. All the responsibility and decisions are falling on us and I feel like my life has been turned upside down, inside out, with one hand tied behind my back and blindfolded and I am pretty sure the kids feel the same.
In reality, overnight our income has gone and our overheads remain the same. Some of the plans we are instigating are no longer viable and the kids and I have to make difficult decisions. Immediately, BATM has to be handed over to Jon, already a Director of the company it is the easiest decision although the hardest ship to navigate. Jon has his work cut out, more of that at a later date!
I blame our dear friend Cliss for all the 'Big Foot' smiles after he commented that Stewart never smiles, now he tries to make goofy ones every time a camera is out.
As an intuitive energy healer, all my appointments have to be cancelled, all my focus is on helping Stewart and steering life. However, moving forward this has to become my priority as we will need the income and after all, it is where my main passion lies. Thankfully, my clients are all awesome and although they have not been able to come to me for healing, they have continued to support us by buying from my website. (go check it out - great for Christmas presents!!!, www.fromaplaceoflove.co.uk/shop)
So, in readiness for our future and one that I could manage for the foreseeable future, I have to look for new premises. Somewhere I can have my treatment rooms & expand and somewhere we can instigate our plans, no easy task! So, I have put my manifestation skills to the test and ask the Universe to deliver - watch this space!
In readiness for this, we have to start clearing Salvage out now. 80% of everything has to go, there is no room for sentimentality, procrastination, fear or guilt. Yes, the decision will upset many and for different reasons but I am only looking forward as that is the direction we are going. No going back.
Finding a new routine has been imperative for my sanity. Going into work for a few hours every morning, catching up with the kids, setting goals targets and making plans for the day and then heading to the hospital. Arriving by his bedside to see the frustration and confusion has been heart breaking. Answering the same questions as he tries to comprehend what has happened and listening to him tell me that he is returning to work in 2 weeks, me, knowing that he can't. He asks about work and we try not to talk about it as at the same time he doesn't have the capacity to deal with it and certainly not the stresses we are carrying. I can only imagine how he must feel, but after 40 years together he will know that any decision made will be with our best interests at heart and made with love at the forefront.
To say I am tired is an understatement, I am a crier, always have been. I cry when I am angry or upset and especially when people are nice to me, I have tried so hard not to break down in front of him but am not always successful. If I have sobbed on your shoulder, thank you for allowing me to release some of the pressure. My eating habits have returned to being unhealthy, something I am not happy with (need to get back on track) and I have put all the weight back on that I have shed. Yoga has gone out the window however meditation remains and is keeping me fairly sane. I am unable to shift this cough though and really need to make time for the Drs
Alongside the confusion, the pain is his shoulders and arms have been crippling and his legs getting worse. A CT scan has shown a blood clot and unable to take blood thinners due to the brain bleed, a filter has been inserted into his groin enabling him to come home. We are both a little scared. Sadly, we are searching for answers we may never get, which for someone with Asperger's is incomprehensible.
For many years we have slept in a pitch black bedroom with the door closed, not now. A night light is on and for the first few nights the door has been open. Every move and noise he makes I am on tender hooks, feeling the responsibility of that night and future nights. I remember one of the first things Stewart saying to me when he woke up is that he thought he was having a nightmare, I now think we are living one. So much fear, worry and responsibility on one hand and in the other, gratitude, love, excitement and wonder. I know we shall emerge stronger and happier but currently feels like we are traipsing through treacle.
Now home, he has called a family meeting. He wants to discuss with us his / our plans and won't talk to me prior. He is unaware of many of the things we have already instigated and the things I am planning on doing so this is going to be hard. I love him so much and hate seeing him in this position. My experiences of near death (many of them) have shown me that life gets better and visions clearer in time but in the early days you feel like you have lost yourself, that you are a spectator in everyone else life and time drags, you can't imagine life being any different than its current formation, Stuck in your own thoughts, it is easy for depression to step in.